I set my next goal to get to 120 but as the days, weeks, and months passed and my weight simply stayed where it was I began to wonder what more I could possibly do to drop twenty more pounds.
In January I did a strict whole30 and ran every single day totaling up 100 miles for the month.
I DID NOT LOSE ONE POUND
So I reflected on what was important. What should my goal be? Is my goal really to weigh 120 pounds? Is that what I think is going to make me happy? I am running and eating healthy so what more could I do? The goal is to be strong, healthy, and fast. YALL I already am strong, healthy, and fast.
So I decided I was putting a lot of stress and pressure on myself through Instagram. It has been SUCH a huge part of my success for the past two years. Seriously I have made so many friends from all over the country who are on the same journey with whole30 and running. They help to inspire and motivate me daily. I am grateful for everything Instagram has helped me achieve through accountability and constant support. I have come to a weird place in my journey though. I am struggling with not losing weight and it is making me mentally question a lot. I have spent two years watching the scale drop and drop and drop and I am assuming my body has found the weight it is happy at even if mentally I think it is not low enough. I have to get through this by focusing on me and my happiness. So I deleted my instagram app to focus on "real" life and not feel like every decision I make has to be under a camera lens. Every non whole30 choice I make doesn't have to be aired to the world. Every whole30 trendy food I buy doesn't have to be proudly displayed. Every long run doesn't have to be shared with the world to prove that I am worth it. It was starting to be a place that I had to go to feel like I was good enough- and that is when I knew it had to go.
I AM GOOD ENOUGH!
I am good enough without Instagram. I have almost 4,000 followers - the followers started getting to my head. "Look at all these people you inspire. You owe them more weight loss. You have lost 140 - show them you can lose 160. Look at all these people who are watching you, don't be lame."
This kind of self talk is NOT helpful. And this type of affect that Instagram had was not what I wanted. I may go back once I am mentally in a good place to use the app to network and inspire and not in some way to self-hate.
So I set healthy attainable non weight related goals
Do more long distance runs
Get faster runs
Increase my weights in lifting
Pray more and focus on my relationship with God
Spend more time with my family in healthy outdoor activities
Eat whole food 90% of the time
This weightloss journey started almost exactly two years ago. I have changed a lot in the past two years, but I still have a big hurdle to get over with the mental part. Some days are easy and I feel like a BEAST! Some days I think it would be easier to just not care about my health and just go back to how I was. I didn't inspire people then. I definitely wasn't an example for my mini me eyes. The journey started for her and now that she is almost four she is understanding mommy runs and does races and thats cool - I wanna do that. I have taught my daughter that healthy activities are something to celebrate and have fun doing.
|Cheering me on at a 5k in December|
|Celebrating my first half marathon|
|Hiking at Caddo Lake State Park|
|Running at Paul Boorman in Longview|
|Celebrating after my KtoL 11 mile|
|At her very first race|
|Starting line for her little princess dash|
I am strong.
I am healthy.
I am fast.
I am being a great role model for little eyes.