Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Change doesn't happen overnight...

Yesterday I was really down on myself about where I was with my weight loss. I was beating myself up over how little progress I have made and not reaching my goals quickly enough. I decided this kind of thought was not going to help me keep going it was the kind of thought that leads me to quitting. CHANGE OF VIEW - look at the huge amount of progress you have made since the beginning of the journey not the amount you haven't made or how much you still have to go. SO here is that nasty photo from January 1st when I decided that this was the time to lose and a photo I took of myself yesterday when I got home from the gym.
Maybe the number on my scale isn't as low as I had hoped it would be by July because hello I am halfway through the year and DANG in 6 months I should have lost 60 pounds, at least this was the plan.... But positive thought for a second silly lady - I look so much better than I did 6 months ago regardless of how "little" of my goal I have met. Am I happy with my after picture? HELL YES
SO now is the time to remember change doesn't happen overnight - maybe my body isn't going to lose weight as fast as it used to and maybe this body transformation is going to take more than a year... it has obviously taken me more than a year to get like this in fact my whole life. I don't remember not being fat- it is who I am. Who am I if I am skinny? Losing my fat is like losing part of my identity. For years I tried to tell myself this is who I was I wasn't going to change and I needed to embrace it and love it and I started to... well sort of. I don't love being fat I don't even kind of like it I just want to love myself and love myself for who I am be it fat or not.
I remember the first time I actually cared about my weight in middle school when I finally realized OH CRAP I am different and this affects how I am viewed by boys. I was 180 pounds! What 6th grader weighs 180 pounds? That was the beginning and now 16 years later and 70 pounds heavier I have 16 years of an identity to erase and change. Bad habits, bad thoughts, bad memories.... I have to lose them. This is as much an emotional battle as it is physical one and until I get real I won't be able to change. I will continue to talk myself out of the identity I want to find for myself (the one where I am healthy and where my body doesn't stand in my way but helps propel me forward to a long and fruitful life) for the one I know and I am "comfortable" with. I know who I am as a fat girl but I don't know who I am as a skinny girl and that for some reason is scary. BUT it is not as scary as the thought of being a fat pregnant woman who gets diabetes or gives it to her baby, a fat mom who can't run and play with her kids, a fat old lady who has multiple health problems and a reduced life expectancy...
So Johanna Smith Eppley get your bad body image and negative thoughts out of the way so that you can be the healthy mom and woman you strive to be. I can do it this time and I will.

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